Sunday, February 13, 2011

One week later




It's been a whole week since the green and yellow revolution toppled the Steeler Nation and ran those black and yellow windbags out of Texas - back to the buckle of the Rust Belt.

In just three plus hours, everyone who was sick of hearing about Michael Vick's dogs, Mrs. Ryan's feet, and Brett Favre's wiener, could breathe a sigh of relief that at least Big Ben would probably be remembered more for banging a drunk girl in the toilet than hitting his man in the end zone.

And yet, as much as the outcome did seem to be an "according to Hoyle" miracle where good finally triumphs over evil, Steelers' fans, apparently taking a page out of crybaby House Speaker John Boehner's playbook, just sat around feeling sorry for themselves, shedding enough tears to turn Heinz Field into "Four River Stadium."

Case in point: Check out the message board at PittsburghSteelers.com - rife with sore loserness from the citizens of Self-Pity's-Burgh, Pennsylvania:


Really strange day at work for me. I got playfully teased by many of the Vikings fans I work with, some chants of Go Packers and little post-it notes on my station. Most of them thought i would be really talking trash about the Packers and I just wasn't. You can't fault the Packers they played a good enough to win and if asked I gave props to them. The weird part was how they were treating the Packers fans. It was as if they were saying the Packers stole the game or paid off the league for the win. Several Packers fans looked to me to help support their position. I told them don't worry about it. Your team has the trophy and the ring don't worry about what the rest of the world thinks. I get asked all the time how can I be a Steelers fan when I live in MN now. I tell them we got six trophies how many do the Vikes have? usually shuts them up.
You tell em, tough guy. But I have one question. Ever hear of something called grammar and punctuation? Here's another gem:

I live in NE Ohio and it seems like the anti Steeler venom is worst than ever,especially on things like Facebook. I am amazed how nasty people are on there and how much they enjoy the Steelers losing. They are low life Browns fans and act like they are something special.
Well said. But if I were you,I wouldn't complain about nastiness and then refer to people as "low-life." Just a thought. Here's more:

I work with several rabid Stains fans, so I just keep quiet. Yesterday, one of my colleagues, a grown woman, came to my room and walked in laughing at me and saying how awful my Steelers were. I was wearing a Clowns jersey after losing a bet, and she was announcing to all of the PRIMARY students as they came in that they should come to my room to laugh at me. First,I walked up to her and explained to her that the Stains jersey I was wearing had the number '00' on it. I reminded her that those numbers stood for the number of Super Bowls that the Stains have been IN and how many they have won. Next, I told her to walk away and that her classlessness proved the superiority of Steelers fans over any other team in the league - and the inferiority of Stains fans beyond any other team's fans. I was amazed at how people who act like they are friends can become so 'victorious' when their team wasn't even in the game. Really Clowns fans? You take more joy in a team's defeat than in the victories that your own team has.
Now, I'm not even going to speculate how Browns' fans became "Stains' fans." I thought the guy was talking about the Saints, but apparently he is not. Of course, no Steeler wailing wall would be complete without someone running to Roeslisberger's defense. I know. I know. And O.J. is innocent, too, I got it:

Surprisingly, no one's said anything to me, although I didoverhear a girl call Ben "Rapistberger" and I had to bite my tongue. Of all the things people can say, that will set me off the quickest. Honestly, I think the Steelers are the new Cowboys, in terms of being hated.
And now, the one that says it all. After being treated with dignity and respect by some Baltimore Ravens' fans, what does this guy do?

I watched the game with ratbird fans. It was tough to hear all the cheer's for greenbay. After the game though it was nothing but respect. They said they could'nt have asked for a better team to represent the AFC!! Thats good enough for me STEELERS fans!!!!
Perfect, you finally found some fans more gracious than you and then you referred to their team as "Ratbirds." Doesn't take much to see why no one feels sorry for you.

Now, I don't think I'm going out on two long a limb when I say that it was just a football game. Steelers' fans: you are not going to be rounded up and shot. Your homes aren't going into foreclosure. You can keep your pickup trucks and even continue to park them in your front lawns next to your kids' toys and scattered auto parts. Heck, you don't even have to clean up your front porches, though one broken appliance per family is recommended. So as you lean back in your creaky lazy boys, sipping Iron City Beer and choking on Primanti Bros. french fry sandwiches, remember this: it's not the end of THE world -- just the end of YOUR world.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Wuh happened?

Awwwww. I think I'm going to cry. The poor Steelers lost the Superbowl. They worked so hard to get this far only to blow it in front of millions and millions of viewers. What a pity! After the depressing lost, I went on PittsburghSteelers.com and looked at the message board. One of the topics was "How are you being treated at work?" -- referring to Steelers' fans who had to go back to work Monday morning and were teased. Awwwwww. Poor Steelers' fans. Were your feelings hurt when those mean Cleveland Browns' fans gloated over your loss? Did that big mean Cincinnati Bengels' fan laugh at your tragic misfortune? Did you tell em, "well, at least we we did better than you!" while holding back your tears and shame of failure?

Monday, January 31, 2011

Steelers' Fan Exercises Amazing Self-Control During Superbowl Week

With the Superbowl just days away, it's no secret that the only thing Pittsburgh Steelers' fans can think about is the big showdown with the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. As always, the city of Pittsburgh is shut down so fans have ample time to stock up on 90-pack cases of Bud Light and supersized bags of Cheetoes. Primanti Bros., a nationally known sandwich chain, is setting up hundreds of triage tents around the metropolitan area to service the needs of those fans who still don't know how to drive to a nearby grocery store. In fact, on Sunday, callers to 9-1-1 will be immediately asked if their emergency involves "Police, fire, ambulance, or Primanti."

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

When you're a jet...

I just love Jets' fans. What a classy group!! They are, you know, from New York City, one of the most culturally rich cities in the world. What fine representatives of this magnificent metropolitan area they make!
Now that the Jerks, I mean Jets, are facing off against the Stealers, I have to root for them simply because, adding up all the immoral behavior for both teams, the Stealers still have a slight edge and that's even when factoring in Brett Favre's digit-al messages.
Whether Jets fans are worse than Stealers fans is another debate. I like to compare my support for the Jets at this juncture to America's support of the Afghan fighters during the Carter and Reagan eras. Yes, it led to the downfall of the Soviet Empire but now look...
Well, at least the Ravens beat the Jets on their home turf this year.
Like the Ravens, the Jets have only been to the Superbowl once and they won it. I remember that Superbowl, it starred the legendary Joe Namath. Here's a clip of Broadway Joe reminding us of what a classy guy he still is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc65NC44dSk
But don't forget the fans. What a great bunch of guys. Here's a clip of one spirited fan in San Diego:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJqd_5fC7ZI
And some more wholesome fans in Indianapolis:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvFJxNVpvOk
So, good luck, you classy Jets! Let's hope you win. Otherwise, Jets's head boaster and trash talker Rex Ryan will be caught with a foot in his mouth. Ok, strike that:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/22/michelle-ryan-foot-fetish-video_n_800138.html

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Palin: Blaming Frank for anything other than the Ravens' loss is a Blood Libel

Taking to the airwaves for the first time since she last took to the airwaves, former Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin quickly blasted those who blamed me for things other than the Ravens' devastating loss to the Stealers, claiming that my accusers are guilty of a blood libel.

"Sure, Frank must take the hit for that disasterous third quarter, you betcha. But blaming him for all that other junk is a blood libel for which his accusers should be held blood liable."

Palin was speaking to a joint meeting of Philadelphia Eagles' fans and Jill Bloom facebook friends (like there's a difference?) when she made the remarks.

"I can certainly sympathize with Frank," she said. "I was once blamed for the Haiti earthquate, the Plague, and the electric slide. When the lame stream media gets something in its bite, it won't let go. Kinda like a pitbull without the lipstick."
Palin said she had no quarrel with holding me responsible for the Ravens' 31-24 loss to the Stealers January 15.

"Frank's failure to buy playoff tickets really rattled Joe Flacco. No wonder he threw that interception," she charged. "But to stick him with stuff like the gulf oil spill and global warming (as if) is just trying to create more Obama-drama."

"It's a blood label, you can be sure. And the liberal lame stream media ain't gonna do nuthin to shut me up about yelling about it. NosireeBobandCarolandTedandAlice."

After the meeting, Palin signed autographs for members of the audience, one of whom used to shoot promos for WBAL.

"I'm totally in love with you," said one admirer, identified only as Kurt Kolaja.

A disturbing development

Once the Ravens were eliminated from the playoffs, I did the right thing and claimed responsibility for the loss. However, a group of Philadelphia Eagles' fans (just back from a dogfight) decided to attack me -- blaming me for the rest of the world's ills, including global warming and the economic meltdown. Believe me, I was not surprised. I've been down that road before with Philly fans. I was just shocked that they took time off from drowning cats and dogs to go after me. Oh well.

The Stealers Just Have More Class!


There's no getting around it. Baltimore can't compete with Pittsburgh's panache, its flair, its sense of grace and style. And I could have done something. I could have warned Joe Flacco and Ed Reed and Ray Lewis that they couldn't compete with the quarterback who has twice been accused of sexual assault. I could have warned my fellow Ravens' fans that they couldn't compete with this delightful fellow pictured above. I coulda done something. I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a contender!