Steelers' Fan Exercises Amazing Self-Control During Superbowl Week

With the Superbowl just days away, it's no secret that the only thing Pittsburgh Steelers' fans can think about is the big showdown with the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. As always, the city of Pittsburgh is shut down so fans have ample time to stock up on 90-pack cases of Bud Light and supersized bags of Cheetoes. Primanti Bros., a nationally known sandwich chain, is setting up hundreds of triage tents around the metropolitan area to service the needs of those fans who still don't know how to drive to a nearby grocery store. In fact, on Sunday, callers to 9-1-1 will be immediately asked if their emergency involves "Police, fire, ambulance, or Primanti."

When you're a jet...

I just love Jets' fans. What a classy group!! They are, you know, from New York City, one of the most culturally rich cities in the world. What fine representatives of this magnificent metropolitan area they make!
Now that the Jerks, I mean Jets, are facing off against the Stealers, I have to root for them simply because, adding up all the immoral behavior for both teams, the Stealers still have a slight edge and that's even when factoring in Brett Favre's digit-al messages.
Whether Jets fans are worse than Stealers fans is another debate. I like to compare my support for the Jets at this juncture to America's support of the Afghan fighters during the Carter and Reagan eras. Yes, it led to the downfall of the Soviet Empire but now look...
Well, at least the Ravens beat the Jets on their home turf this year.
Like the Ravens, the Jets have only been to the Superbowl once and they won it. I remember that Superbowl, it starred the legendary Joe Namath. Here's a clip of Broadway Joe reminding us of what a classy guy he still is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc65NC44dSk
But don't forget the fans. What a great bunch of guys. Here's a clip of one spirited fan in San Diego:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJqd_5fC7ZI
And some more wholesome fans in Indianapolis:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvFJxNVpvOk
So, good luck, you classy Jets! Let's hope you win. Otherwise, Jets's head boaster and trash talker Rex Ryan will be caught with a foot in his mouth. Ok, strike that:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/22/michelle-ryan-foot-fetish-video_n_800138.html

Palin: Blaming Frank for anything other than the Ravens' loss is a Blood Libel

Taking to the airwaves for the first time since she last took to the airwaves, former Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin quickly blasted those who blamed me for things other than the Ravens' devastating loss to the Stealers, claiming that my accusers are guilty of a blood libel.

"Sure, Frank must take the hit for that disasterous third quarter, you betcha. But blaming him for all that other junk is a blood libel for which his accusers should be held blood liable."

Palin was speaking to a joint meeting of Philadelphia Eagles' fans and Jill Bloom facebook friends (like there's a difference?) when she made the remarks.

"I can certainly sympathize with Frank," she said. "I was once blamed for the Haiti earthquate, the Plague, and the electric slide. When the lame stream media gets something in its bite, it won't let go. Kinda like a pitbull without the lipstick."
Palin said she had no quarrel with holding me responsible for the Ravens' 31-24 loss to the Stealers January 15.

"Frank's failure to buy playoff tickets really rattled Joe Flacco. No wonder he threw that interception," she charged. "But to stick him with stuff like the gulf oil spill and global warming (as if) is just trying to create more Obama-drama."

"It's a blood label, you can be sure. And the liberal lame stream media ain't gonna do nuthin to shut me up about yelling about it. NosireeBobandCarolandTedandAlice."

After the meeting, Palin signed autographs for members of the audience, one of whom used to shoot promos for WBAL.

"I'm totally in love with you," said one admirer, identified only as Kurt Kolaja.

A disturbing development

Once the Ravens were eliminated from the playoffs, I did the right thing and claimed responsibility for the loss. However, a group of Philadelphia Eagles' fans (just back from a dogfight) decided to attack me -- blaming me for the rest of the world's ills, including global warming and the economic meltdown. Believe me, I was not surprised. I've been down that road before with Philly fans. I was just shocked that they took time off from drowning cats and dogs to go after me. Oh well.

The Stealers Just Have More Class!

There's no getting around it. Baltimore can't compete with Pittsburgh's panache, its flair, its sense of grace and style. And I could have done something. I could have warned Joe Flacco and Ed Reed and Ray Lewis that they couldn't compete with the quarterback who has twice been accused of sexual assault. I could have warned my fellow Ravens' fans that they couldn't compete with this delightful fellow pictured above. I coulda done something. I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a contender!

Explaining the downfall

Even though I watched almost every game this year on television, I didn't go to any of the games, even though I am a season's ticket holder. I sold the entire lot of tickets last summer to a guy on Craigslist. Because I sold them for the exact same price that I paid -- he thought it might be a scam. But when we met and I demonstrated what a reputable person I was, he wrote me a check.

Perhaps this is what lead to the Ravens' downfall -- the failure of a fan to make good on his promise of loyalty by attending all the home games. Or perhaps it was because I declined to purchase playoff tickets. You see, as a season's ticket holder, the Ravens try to pressure you into buying playoff tickets before there is a guarantee that there will be a home playoff game. For instance, when it looked likely that the Ravens would make the playoffs (we had not beaten Cleveland yet) the Ravens tried to get me to buy all kinds of tickets. The problem is -- if there is no home playoff game, the money goes toward next year's tickets and you forfeit the "service charge," whatever that means.

So I balked. I didn't think we'd have a playoff game so I didn't buy them. Then, when it came down to us beating the Stealers and the Jerks beating the Cheatriots in order to ensure a home playoff game, I was presented with a second offer. Again, I declined, permitting the rights to a possible playoff game to drift endlessly into cyberspace.

Is this why the Ravens lost? Is it because I didn't have faith that they would return home like Homer and vanquish the Jerks in front of 70,000 screaming fans? I never thought the Cheatriots would lose to a team whose (1) coach produces foot fetish videos; (2) likes to sexually harass latina TV reporters; (3) trips up players running down the field; and (4) has a former quarterback who sends text messages containing pix of his doodool. This is why I didn't believe there would be a playoff game. Not because I didn't think we could beat a team whose quarterback has twice been alleged to have sexually assaulted women. Not because of that!

But alas, the Ravens' second Superbowl win in ten years was not meant to be. And the Stealers, led by the quarterback who was twice been accused of sexual assault, may very well take the ultimate prize once again. Why? Because I passed on the playoff tickets? Because I didn't personally attend any home games? No! Because, I blew it!

Why?

January 15, 2011. This was a horrible day but, as usual, I have only myself to blame. I actually did not watch most of the game, choosing instead to have dinner out with friends at Bistrot Lepic, a wonderful Georgetown restaurant. We sat upstairs, which is more casual than below and I had the flounder with lobster sauce preceded by a fresh homemade pate. In fact, as we entered the restaurant, it was hazy with smoke because the pate had just been made.

Our reservation was for 5:30 so I did manage to see the Ravens go up 14-7 on that sensational touchdown resulting from a sexual assault suspect's fumble. That gave me hope that the Ravens would finally pull off the...dare I say it...the -- "impossible" by beating the Stealers in the playoffs.

Dinner was enjoyable. My friend Tom gave me periodic updates from his Android, informing me that the Ravens were up 21-7 ("You're toying with me, Tom," I would say, questioning his veracity.) However, as dessert was served, the commanding lead evaporated as the Ravens did something they haven't done all year -- give up touchdowns in the third quarter.

As we got into the car to drive back home, I listened to Gerry Sandusky announce that the Ravens had tied the score with a field goal, thus giving the Stealers more than three minutes to win it all. Though Gerry spoke as if fate ensured a close game, I could feel the pit in my stomach starting to expand and no, it was not the pate.

When I arrived home, however, there was a ray of hope. At 3rd and 19 (the sexual assault suspect had just been sacked), there was plenty of reason to believe that the score would at least remain tied. Then -- excuse me, I need a moment. Then -- it happened! One of those moments that Joe Flacco can only dream about. A clutch pass all the way down the field to a receiver who had outrun his defender. First down and goal to go. And it was all my fault. Why? Read on.